guilt and need some advice!

I had my first miscarriage 5 yrs ago this Thursday which led to a D&C since my body held onto the fetus for 4 weeks. I was never asked about keeping the remains for any type of burial until I was literally coming out of anesthesia. In my grief and grogginess I said just keep it. I still feel horrible and guilty to this day that I did no service or burial of any kind. I have no place to visit and feel comfort. Anyone else have this happen and how do you cope? My husband doesn't seem to remember dates like I do so I pretty much grieve alone. He isn't being mean or have lack of caring but some support or a place to go would be nice.

  1. StaceyNoonan4 years ago

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that. What if you made something special, like a garden stone, as a remembrance for the baby. Then set it in your garden or by a tree in your yard.

  2. [ deleted account ]4 years ago

    I chose not to keep the remains of my miscarried triplets but I did then buy a Jizo for our garden. I don't know that I've felt guilty about it but I've definitely questioned my decision. And it does feel like I grieve alone at home because it just didn't impact my husband in the same way. It's often like that, I think.

    You could still have a small ceremony for yourself or with your friends. There's no expiration date on grief.

    My story (with a picture of Jizo):

  3. Jen A.4 years ago

    Thank you both for your replies. it is comforting to hear someone else's opinion.

    Christa, I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine losing triplets. I will read your story and take your advice!

    Thank you both again so much! It's a terrible emotion to go through alone. Family doesn't always understand unless they lived it.

  4. LindsayNicole4 years ago

    I was never asked if I could keep the remains. My doctor said that they had to take it to a lab and do testing on it to see if they could find a reason for my miscarriage. I also had a D&C. But the thought of having something does seem extremely comforting.

  5. [ deleted account ]4 years ago

    Lindsay, I wonder if it varies by doctor/situation. Had we chosen to keep the remains they neonatologist still would have kept a tissue sample from each to test for genetic issues, etc. At leastthat's what we were told.

  6. Jazzy4 years ago

    I am so sorry for your loss. I recently had a D&C myself, Nov 2014. It hasn't been easy but what has helped me a lot is my angel baby. It's kind of like always having my baby with me. Here's where I got it

    Feel free to message me if you need to chat. :)

  7. Jen A.4 years ago

    Jazzy, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for link and I will definitely check it out. I also feel badly when I get angry at my son because he came after two healthy boys and my two miscarriages. For some reason, he survived and I am extremely grateful. Dealing with all kinds of guilt I guess. Trying to find my happy medium and enjoy what I have and maybe think what could've been a little less.

  8. Jazzy4 years ago

    Jen, It's definitely not easy. My miscarriage gave me a greater appreciation (I guess you can call it that :) for my 2 kids. I'm sure we will always wonder what if. However, I think it's important to focus on what is right in front of us (kids that love us greatly). I don't want to wake up one day when my kids are all grown up and realize I missed out on their life because I was dwelling on what could have been instead of what was right in front of me. :)

  9. Jen A.4 years ago

    You are absolutely right! Who knew being a Mom would be so tough! ;)

  10. Christina Porter4 years ago

    I had a miscarriage 3 years ago.. And I did the same thing. I Was only 19 yrs old at the time.. I never really thought about it.. But I did tell my mom I should of done something for it because it was my child..
    But yeah I think you were like me..
    I was so devastated that I didn't even think about that I was so upset that I didn't want to see this big bloody blob as my baby.. That would of only hurt worse.. So if it makes u feel any better that's why I told them to keep it.. It just makes your heart break even worse remembering a last image of your baby like that.

Please Log in to reply