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May Need Marriage Counseling

I love my husband, and I adore my children, but my life has turned upside-down since I left the single life behind! Since we got married, we have had one major life event after another! Put it this way: between the end of 2010 and now we have had a quickie wedding, the hullabaloo with INS over his green card, our actual wedding ceremony, bought a car, had our first child, bought our first home, had his mother move to our country (does not stay with us, just nearby), and had our second child. With all of that happening so quickly, I feel like I haven't had time to breathe! Also, my hubby is a very shy, introverted man, and I am a much more social person. I have recently realized that I stopped doing some of the more social things that I used to do because of time constraints and an effort to spend more time with him. (And pregnancy and breastfeeding. It's hard to do anything when you've got to take care of a growing little person inside of you or feed an infant every few hours!) When it's all said and done, I just feel like there's no "us". We're Mommy and Daddy, but we aren't a couple. We do things with my family or we sit at home, but we don't do things together. For a while I tried planning date nights periodically, but if I didn't do it then it didn't happen, so we hadn't gone out in forever. (We have recently reinstated the date night idea, and we had a date in January and have one planned for February.)

I have talked to my husband about this and some of our frequently repeated arguments before, and I think twice I've told him that I thought we should consider counseling. He doesn't want to do it because he thinks that counseling means it's the beginning of the end. I want to do it so that we don't get to that point. Either way, I'm feeling blah about my marriage right now. I have considered that it could be PPD, but I feel very positively about my children. I just feel like I'm only a Mommy - a working mommy, at that - and that there's no more "me" or "us" in our lives.

Any advice?

  1. Marie Johnson5 years ago

    you have to make the time for the 2 of u....set aside a date night couple times a month. do special things after putting the kids to bed just cuddle and watch a movie...anything that puts the "us" back.

  2. newyorkhollie5 years ago

    i have a similar situation. do you look forward to the dates (thats a good sign) or does it feel like "why bother"? can you remember what you two had in common before kids if so downsize it ? i.e. if u liked movie night out then you could downsize it to renting a movie once a week (less pressure, more casual). i find that when i make a big deal out planning "the 2 of us" time i get exhausted by making the plans so i downsize it...

  3. [ deleted account ]5 years ago

    I think a lot of couples go through that - with everything else that happens, you end up like two ships passing in the night! I can speak from experience when I say it's def. worse when you add a second kid to the mix because now each of you has your hands full when you're together, you're not working as a team to care for one child. I second everyone talking about dates but caution you to make sure you're planning dates together or switching off. If making dates becomes just another item on your to-do list it's not going to feel fun :/

  4. [ deleted account ]5 years ago

    We haven't gone on a "date night" since my lo was 6 months old. At 21 months, we continue to do all activities as a family. We get our alone time during naps and once our lo is asleep. We'll stay up late just to make sure we get that time together like last night when lo didn't go to sleep until 10:30. We stayed up cuddling and watching a show off Netflix until midnight. Also how often do you decide to dress sexy before bed? I try to dress sexy every night, so my husband knows that I am still interested in him and I want his attention (even if I am tired). If you like to play video games like us, then it's also something fun to do together. Personally, I always try to hug my husband when he comes into a room; otherwise, I might not touch him all day (too busy to do so). I don't think you need counseling. I'd just try to show more affection to each other during the day. If your husband has an office maybe he could get a webcam, so you could do video calls during breaks or lunch. It's something we do and the kids will love it too. This is just works for us and I really wish you the best of luck. Keep your chin up girl; we all experience this at times.

  5. [ deleted account ]5 years ago

    OT midwestsahm: What do you play? Me and the mister used to WoW like crazy and before that we were playing 2-player console rpgs!

  6. [ deleted account ]5 years ago

    We have an Xbox 360 console, and we play anything from Kinect sports, Halo 4, Micheal Jackson Dance, Lego game, Win it in a minute, etc. :) I am obsessed with the Kinect Sports boxing game. I play Xbox Live, so I can play against other people.

  7. AmberT5 years ago

    Thanks for your advice, everyone. Maybe it's like I keep thinking: everything has just happened so quickly in our relationship that we never really found "us". I don't know what we like to do together, though, because we were a long distance couple for 7-8 months before he moved in with me, and we were married about 9 months after he moved in. He spent the majority of that nine months we lived together working two part time jobs at awkward hours, so we didn't do much outside of my family's events. Perhaps "dating" again will help.

    Thanks again!

  8. Amber Michelle Fletcher5 years ago

    I'm going through the same thing with my husband. We actually start counseling tomorrow. He is military. We have had a year like yours as well. Got engaged at the end of April, found out we were pregnant the first weekend in June, had to plan a wedding we didn't want due to my mother, moved into our apartment at 24 weeks pregnant and had our daughter at 35 weeks.... Counseling is a great thing and it will strengthen the family!!!!

  9. AmberT5 years ago

    Update: the counselors we called were booked for now, so that's on hold. We have had a couple of date nights; the goal is to do them once a month as a couple and to get out of the house for family dates more as it gets warmer and as #2 gets a little older (he's 3 mos). That seems to be helping. We always end up having a serious convo in the middle of the date, but it seems easier on neutral ground, and we move on to other topics and still enjoy the date afterward.

    Also, I joined Groupon so I could find more affordable deals and different than usual ideas for dates. We're planning a wine and chocolate tasting and an improv murder mystery dinner over the next few months. Neither of these were things I knew about, and one is practically in our backyard. Maybe Groupon can help others with affordable and unconventional date nights, too.

    Good luck, Amber Michelle Fletcher. I hope counseling helps; I'm sure it will. :)

  10. EDB5 years ago

    Dearest Amber, many of us have gone through this situation. I would like to offer the following: 1) It's not that your marriage is ending,it's just that your marriage is the easier thing to try and fix or control since everything else seems out of control. 2) Although your husband may seem out of the planning scope, he probably feels the same way and doesn't know bow to effectively communicate it. Men don't understand the burden because it's usually not their burden. Also,he may be afraid that he will lose you, especially since he said what he did about counseling, and that is probably the last thing he wants. 3) Find a new way to date. My husband and I started getting up mu h earlier than usual on certain days. This meant that the child would fall back to sleep on our way to our destination, so we would sit outside of the car and have a picnic, being sure to crack the windows to hear if one of them cried. We also do family date nights. This consists of getting up at an ungodly hour like 12am or 1am and going to Denny's or another late-night eatery and not giving a care to what time we return. It's a fun way to forget you have responsibilities, plus everyone will sleep in because of the late hour, even the child. 4) The YMCA is your friend! What I needed was time alone before I even engaged my husband. I found that the YMCA has a nursery at their family-oriented locations, so I take my son their for an hour a few days each week. I don't workout, I just sit in the lobby and eat and read, or do nothing. Then, when they have the Parents Night Out events, we take advantage of them because they are inexpensive. Other organizations have parents night out events as well,so search your area. Lastly, please remember, you never had time to adjust to this new life and you never will. Things will always change, but they will get better! I took breastfeeding and cloth diapers off the table because it added too much stress. So, anything you can do to make your life easier, try to do. You need your husband and he needs you! If you didn't love him you wouldn't be here,and he wouldn't be afraid of that "end". Best wishes, dear!

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